Monthly Archives: March 2012

My Best Friend


I am sat on his bed and he is beside me.  His flat is freezing and he is, fully clothed, under the blanket.  I am sat shivering.  I can’t get in bed with him.  An old eighties comedy is on the small TV.  Nothing else on.  I’m not watching it.  Pretty sure he isn’t either.

He looks up at me for the fiftieth time in ten minutes and asks if I’m cold.  I nod and he tells me to get in bed then.

He is my best friend.  In three months I was supposed to walk down the aisle towards another man.  For fifteen years he has slept in a bed with a woman as cold as ice.

We met at work.  Bonded over smoke breaks and sneaky lunchtime beers.

We gave each other the strength to leave.  He is my best friend.  He is not and never has been more.  There was no affair.  No matter what is uttered by spiteful tongues.

Stiff limbed I slide under the blanket propping myself up with the flat pillow.  Almost immediately it collapses behind me.  I am still shivering from the cold.

He rolls and his arm slips around my waist.  He’s rubbing my arm.  It’s nothing but an attempt to keep me warm.

Then his eyes meet mine and we are kissing.

After what feels like a minute, an eternity, my head is resting on his chest as it steadily rises and falls with sleep.

If I knew that ten years later I would be staring at a sole faded photograph whose image is blurred by my tears.  If I knew the smell of that aftershave would forevermore take me back to this night.  If I knew.

But I don’t know.  Tonight I am happy.  Tonight I am falling asleep in the arms of my best friend.

I don’t know.

Tomorrow I will wake in the arms of a stranger.


Let’s hear it for the girls! And the boys…


So far 2012 seems to have been a year where the international media are making a huge deal about the renewal of feminism.  Consequently there’s been a lot of lists been made of women who are heroes/icons/whatever else you want to call them.  Always one to jump on a bandwagon here’s mine.  The only thing is that I’m not sexist, so with every great woman, there is a great man, and just for the hell of it, a couple of animals and puppets as well!

For services to Literature

Emily Bronte

She only wrote one novel but it was a bloody good one and where would Kate Bush’s career have been without it?  Making bad boys sexy during a time when publishing a book under your own female name was out of the question, you have to hand it to Ellis Bell.  Relatively short but not very sweet, it’s a classic that’s lasted long after her death over 160 years ago.  Best quote: “He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

Iain Banks

Every book is different.  His narrative style is unique and his subjects as daring as most people can get.  He is highly dedicated to his Scottish roots, just as me and Miss Emily Bronte are dedicated to our Yorkshire ones.  My favourite book by Mr Banks would be Complicity.  The only novel I’ve read to use a second person narrative, he pulls it off perfectly.  Best quote: “As long as a film stays unmade, the book is entirely yours, it belongs to the writer. As soon as you make it into a film, suddenly more people see it than have ever read the book.”

For services to film

Valli O’Reilly

Fantastico make-up artist.  Behind the mostly sickly looking complexions in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, amongst other things, I admire anybody who can treat a face like a canvas, especially when the result is Johnny Depp being not fit!  This takes a lot of work!  She also worked on Mars Attacks, which, while not the best film in the world, the make up was pretty mint!  Whether it’s a slick of lipgloss or whatever on Jen Aniston in Along Came Polly or aging Jim Carrey to within an inch of his life in Lemony Snicket’s this woman does a good job.  Vogue!  Best quote: “I’d like to formally apologise to all the actors for making them look so unfortunate. But it was worth it, wasn’t it?”

Al Pacino

Scarface.  Pretty much enough said.  Also made a film starring Keanu Reeves doing a dreadful southern accent almost bearable.  Legend.  End of.  Best quote: “I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.”  (I do hate to be predictable, but for those who need it “Say hello to my little friend!”)

For services to television

Zooey Deschanel

New Girl’s had a pretty bad rap off a lot of people.  Apparently riddled with sexist jokes and making women look stupid via Zooey’s character Jess, I like it!  She makes the character believable in spite of the extreme behaviour and bursting into song over anything.  There’s nothing wrong with being happy and giggly over everything and the serious points balance it out.  She also got people googling “Give me that hat”.  As for women being stupid, most of the time Jess is portrayed in a better light than her male flatmates, but enough of such serious talk anyway.  It’s a sitcom!  It’s not there to be analysed…  Best line “So when I do the chicken dance I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.”

Zac Braff

He left Scrubs, I turned it off.  The narration is genius, the “don’t want her unless I can’t have her” relationship with Elliot is frighteningly similar to my own love life, the confrontations with the Janitor are frighteningly similar to my relationship with my old boss, the ups are brilliant and the downs remind you that the setting is a building full of sick people.  Best of all, of course, are the hallucinations.  Shirley, I mean Dorothy, I mean Marsha, I mean ZAC, is truly a great girl, I mean man!  Best line: “It’s not a unicorn, it’s a horse with a sword on its head that protects my hopes and dreams.”

For services to animation

Lisa Simpson

The greatest eight year old living in whichever state Springfield is in.  Anyone who can pull off an orange dress with a yellow complexion deserves a round of applause but it’s the attitude that puts her in her own class, or would if the teachers at Springfield Elementary had any sense.  Like many people this intelligent she’s suffers depression but puts her frustrated energy to good use by playing the saxophone.  Best line: “You sir, are a baboon!”

Stan Marsh

The greatest 2d ten year old in existence Stan is a true cynic and has to drink whiskey to cure the problem.  Simultaneously overly mature and very immature, he makes more sense than the entire adult population of South Park and most of the rest of the world all while being one of Terence and Phillip’s biggest fans.  He showed how cold reading is done by mediums and showed an unbeaten ability to throw up countless times when Wendy was about.  Best line: “We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves.”

For services to comedy

Miss Piggy

Everybody’s favourite psycho stalker, she never gives up on her permanently unrequited love for Kermit.  Obsessive with her appearance, temper shorter than a sunny weekend, Michael Caine would never have pulled off playing Scrooge without her.  Best line: “You have to be going to a pretty awful place if getting there is half the fun.”

Harry Hill

TV Burp is genius.  Simple pure genius like the man himself who is a fully qualified neurosurgeon.  A sense of a loss of control sent him to comedy where he truly belongs and I’m sure all the scriptwriters/directors/producers of Britain breathed a sigh of relief when he managed to indiscriminately state what was wrong with pretty much every show on TV.  Best line: “60 minute makeover only has 47 minutes to makeover a house, what with the adverts. Since 47 minutes isn’t that long, they do a pretty shoddy job, and by the time the van has driven away with the crew, the house has collapsed.”

For services to fashion

Katy Perry

Inspired by cartoon characters, hair dyed rainbow colours and the whole wear what I want whether they like it or not attitude to dressing is amazing.  Besides, I love anyone who wears vintage.  Miss Perry I salute you; even if spite of the fact you can afford more threads than I ever could.  Best fashion related quote: “I really like to look like a history book. I can look 1940s, I can look 1970s hippie-chic, or sometimes I’ll pull that ’80s Brooklyn hip-hop kid with the door-knocker earrings.”

Aleksandr Orlov

Simples!  A yellow paisley cravat and red wine velvet dressing gown, Aleksandr brought class into comparing meerkats.  He is an icon.  David Beckham, eat your heart out!  Best fashion related quote: “So with suit on and whiskers waxed, i went out for auditions. (Whisker waxing is not so populars now – like flare trousers and communism.)”


There are many people in my life who are total legends.  From miscarriage to infertility to illness to charity work to raising amazing kids to being cheated on to getting married to getting divorced to fighting for their country to hitting rock bottom and still bouncing back, these are the true heroes.  This list is dedicated to them.  You know who you are.

Love, peace and jelly beans!

My Angel

I am empty
It is dark
I hear it
A cry
My Angel
I run to the light
But he is where I cannot follow
It is not time
With those I love
Who loved me
He will remain
For now
Watching from the stars
Until it is time
And then

The Compliment

Until this morning I was still so hurt
Stopped in the street by “What a beautiful skirt!”
Four simple words that made me smile
Since you turned and ran mile
I’m different, so what?
Never claimed to be anything I’m not
And now I realise in a dress of white
Perhaps this jilted groom was a beautiful sight