Hey I wanna be a robot


After finding out very recently that biscuits could cause cancer the shock nearly floored me.  After recovering from the horror with a nice cigarette and cup of coffee I began to consider life and mortality.  Very philosophical!

Anyway during my consideration I mentioned the evilness of biscuits to my Grandad who is a) a fatalist, b) someone who doesn’t care about what he eats and c) apparently a great science fiction fan.  His theory is that eventually (not sure if next year, ten years’ time or when that digestive has finally terminated me) all human brains will be inserted into androids thereby giving individuals eternal life.

Now there’s lots of good things about this.  You wouldn’t die.  Ever.  Like the current series of Torchwood but without the burning frail but living bodies alive.  So you would live long enough to become a millionaire.

Also you wouldn’t hurt yourself.  How many people break their bones in British winter?  Lots.  Made of metal, won’t break.  Lovely jubbly.

No more painful childbirth, no more expensive food bills, no more bullying in schools of children who are different.  The possibilities are endless right?

Except you wouldn’t live long enough to become a millionaire, because what job could you possibly do.  Doctors, nurses, midwives, chefs, life coaches, all gone.  If everyone was a robot would anyone need to do anything?

You wouldn’t break your bones in winter but if you did slip in the snow would you rust?  Would you need to oil your joints like a creaky door.  At least there would be a job left.  Manufacturing WD40.

As for childbirth there would be no more children.  There would just be the same bunch of people living forever.  Imagine.  Eventually you would know everybody in the world.  Or would you?  After all would the new robotic civilisation only apply to developed countries?  Would our robotic fingers be texting our donations to countries filled with starving children from our inbuilt telephonic devices.  Probably.

As for food, imagine never being able to go to your favourite restaurant again because you couldn’t eat.  Surely we don’t just eat because we have to.  If that was the case so many places would go out of business.

The bullying in schools is sorted though.  No more children, no more schools, no more bullying.  And we would all be the same.  After all no-one is going to ask to be an average looking robot really are they?  Hey, when you build me can I have a big nose and buck teeth?  I think not.

And finally the best reason I can think of for keeping our perishable bodies going: sex.

It may eradicate disease, pain and suffering but without pain there can be no pleasure.

So, scientists of the world present and future, if you ever come up with a way to create immortality through android technology, I for one would like to keep my brain exactly where it is.  In my fragile, breakable human skull.

And if everyone else one day does become a robot and I die and everyone outlives me at least me dying proves one thing.  That I lived.

Pass the biscuit tin.

Copyright D M Day


3 responses »

  1. I quite literally laughed out loud at the first two lines of this and kept smiling throughout, I like the way you write 🙂

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