The King is dead!


No not, Elvis; that’s old news.  But right now in the 21st century Burger King has decided to stop using that weird looking plastic king guy to sell their fast food.  Which is probably a good idea because the thought of being permanently stalked by a plastic bloke with a perma-grin and non-blinking eyes definitely didn’t have me reaching for a whopper and fries.

Here, in tribute to everyone’s favourite stalker, the top ten creepiest advert characters:-

Number 10 – Colonel Sanders (KFC)

Photographs of the owner of the secret blend of spices fine.  The drawings aren’t too bad either.  The perma-tanned cartoonish plastic statues that stand in outlets are not finger-lickin good.  There finger-coverin eyes scary!

Number 9 – Cake car (Skoda Fabia)

A car made of lovely stuff.  A very sweet Sound of Music soundtrack.  A bunch of pastry chefs who could compete the in the Olympics if patience was an event.  Not creepy at all right?  Wrong.  The car took so long to make all the lovely stuff was destroyed.  They destroyed it!  And there was chocolate in there!

Number 8 – The eyebrow kids (Cadbury)

Two kids waiting to have their picture taken.  Phone rings, photographer leaves, they do the eyebrow dance resulting in the nation attempting to move their eyebrows in a similar way for months.  It was good.  It was memorable.  But without the funky forehead hair moves they were Stepford Children.

Number 7 – Adult heads, baby bodies (Evian)

A number of adults wear white t-shirts featuring the bodies of babies in various poses.  The effect is surprisingly realistic and very weird.  Everyone seems really happy though.  Must be the water they’re drinking.  Or is it?  After all Evian is naive, backwards.  Yeah, water is just water.  It’s good for you but so is any other water.

Number 6 – The Honey Monster (Sugar Puffs)

Big, yellow, permanently happy and in possession of destructive tendencies, the Honey Monster will do anything for honey, or honey-flavoured cereal anyway.  “Don’t tell em about the honey mummy” could be seen as encouraging kids to keep secrets but they’ll do that anyway and if it gets them to eat breakfast so be it.  A big fan of music and talented musician the Honey Monster has experimented with many types of music including a collaboration with Boyzone, a sugar puff daddy rap and a dance routine to The Archies’ Sugar Sugar while eating breakfast.

Number 5 – Grandad with false teeth (Irn Bru)

Very funny.  A young lad gives his grandad his can of Irn Bru for “a sip”.  Grandad takes his teeth out and slurps at the can, lad says he can drink it all, Grandad replaces teeth and drinks normally.  But it’s a bit cringeworthy all the same.

Number 4 – Dancing cats (Crusha)

Cartoon cats dance and sing about milkshake.  Cows get squished with bottles of said milkshake as do, on occasion, the cats themselves.  The voice is very gangster from a Guy Ritchie film and the effect is that you’re being threatened to drink the milkshake or you’ll be sleepin’ with the fishes.

Number 3 – Ronald McDonald (McDonalds)

He’s a clown.  Enough said.  I’m not lovin’ it.

Number 2 – Wenlock and Mandeville (London 2012 Olympics)

Oh my God!  One giant eye each.  These were dreamt up in someone’s nightmare.  Makes me glad I was always rubbish at PE and won’t have them cheering me on.  Someone’s nightmare aside, they were reputedly designed after comments were made by a focus group entirely made up of children.  Note for next time – don’t take every single comment a bunch of kids make into account.  You end up with a disaster.  The names are good – Wenlock is a village in Shropshire which held an early version of the Olympics in the 19th century and Mandeville is the hospital which came up with the Paralympics.  I’m thinking the names were not thought up by the children.  There’s also a video which shows how they came to be.  A fellow insomniac retires and creates them out of metal in the middle of the night for his grandchildren.  When playing with them the metal statues get hit by the rays of a rainbow and come to life.  They then start playing with various Olympic memorabilia in the children’s room, then leave to spread the word.  And no, no-one is disturbed by the metal statues coming to life.  I’m all for getting kids involved with the Olympic games but this looks like a scam to sell as much merchandise as possible to me.  I’m waiting for the niece and nephew to start begging for copies of the figures with baited breath.

Number 1 – The King (Burger King)

Who else?


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